Blessed and exhausted

Life feels like a constant dichotomy right now.  

On the one side I feel so utterly blessed and that life is so full and rich.  So many dreams have come true--amazing husband and happy marriage, two wonderful, healthy kids, living in a comfy home in a beautiful area, great jobs that provide well and satisy us, surrounded by amazing family and friends, awesome church community, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.  I could go on for a long time.  

And on the other end of the spectrum (and I know I can speak for James on this too) we feel utterly exhausted.  I'm getting an average about 5.5 to 6 hours of sleep a night.  We each commute about 1.5-2 hours total every day.  We are ALWAYS late.  We barely have any time for each other at night after getting the kids to bed and getting things ready for the next day.  If one kid doesn't need something, the other does and then when those needs are met, the other kid needs something.  And in the middle of that we need to keep up with the house and general life responsibilities.  By the end of the work week, I feel like a zombie.  Weekends are filled with grocery trips, errands, swimming lessons, family/friend events, church, yardwork, etc.  And sometimes it all just feels like one giant rat race that I have myself wondering what's it all for?

It's funny how you always want what you don't have.  About 10 years ago I would have killed for the life I have now.  I was so insecure in my 20's--didn't know what I wanted, up and down relationships, unsatisfied, away from home, etc.  And now I would give anything to have 1 week to be ALONE back in my apartment in Missouri--no one needing me, tons of free time, barely any responsiblities. Every day I find myself longing to go to a cafe and have a cup of coffee with a good book, get a pedicure, take a nap, go on a day trip with James, cook a fancier meal, exercise, and just feel more balanced. 

And then I start to think well maybe I need to make some changes in my life--somehow find a job closer to home to cut down the commute, do better time management so there's more "me" time in the day, figure out a part-time job situation, and on and on.  But as I think more about it, I don't really want anything major about our life to change right now.  When I step back, things are really truly good.  Could I be better about balance and creating more "me" time?  Yes, probably.  Is it super overwhelming to have 2 little kids right now?  Yes.  Will it always be this way?  No.  Will someday they be grown and I'll feel like I would kill to be in the position I'm in now when they're little and just love being with us?  Yes, probably.  And let's be honest...if I had the chance to go back to that Missouri apartment to be alone, probably two days would go by and I would severely miss James and the kids and want to be back in my current life. 

So the words I hear God whispering over and over again in my head is "Contentment.  Be present. Be grateful."  I'm trying my best to be there.  It's a daily thing I need to work at.  Some days I'm better at it than others.  But it's my personal development work going forward--no matter what stage in life I want these words to echo in my mind and heart.  Life is too good and I just don't want to miss any of it.  

**Side note--HUGE shout out to my sweet husband.  He knows me so well and saw how overwhelmed I was feeling so for Christmas he got us a house cleaning service!!  They come every other week and honestly it's been such a saving grace.  Thank you honey!!!